Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

Love is always patient and kind.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day

My patient: [bleeding out] when

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

*at the pot store*

Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.

Going to the bank for a loan, so excited can’t even put my ski mask on

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

went fishing caught a bass

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:

Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.