Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
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My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Everyone’s family
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.