Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
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ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.