Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
