Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
wait.
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Before & after 😅
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
