[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
You Might Also Like
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
As the Lord intended
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
