Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus

#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks, you look good too.

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

Donating blood today to make room for more food

Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes

Optometrist: I am please stop talking

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

Where are you going?

“Ice fishing”

You know you can just buy ice at the store right?

“No I mean th…”

Or just freeze some water even…

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.