[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
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[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.