Storm Tropical Storm
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An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
oppen heimer style lol
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I’d hang this in my house.
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on