Storm Tropical Storm
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Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
