Storm Tropical Storm
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[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”
Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.
You don’t have toupee.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in