Storm Tropical Storm
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*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Saw online –
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
You deplete me
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.