Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
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“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?