Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
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Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Remember folks 😂
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin