Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing

Your honor, may I approach the bench?

Judge: You may

*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*

The defense rests

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

Asking the real questions!

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”