[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
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Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
#parenting
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*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Waiting for the Charmin
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I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.