*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
You Might Also Like
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Eat…
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.