Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

Lucky old June.

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

… Eau DeTroit …

#RejectedPerfumeNames

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol

A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL