Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

Don’t we all.

establish dominance at a funeral by crying first

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*

Kid: But that means-

*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.

Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.

MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.

ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”