Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
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saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.