*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*

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I want to write a choose your own adventure book from the POV of a zombie. And all the choices would be like:

Braaains! – Turn to page 23

Braaaaains! – Turn to page 47


Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.


I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial


her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*


“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.


[buying college textbooks]
That’ll be 100 million dollars

[returning college textbooks]
We can give you half off on this pencil case