@markedly

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

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@Writepop

I want to write a choose your own adventure book from the POV of a zombie. And all the choices would be like:

Braaains! – Turn to page 23

Braaaaains! – Turn to page 47

@AaronFullerton

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

@lacybronze1

I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial

@CAshmanActor

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

@amishschool

“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.

@DaddyJew

[buying college textbooks]
That’ll be 100 million dollars

[returning college textbooks]
We can give you half off on this pencil case