*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
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making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
“what’s it like having a sister?”
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.