@markedly

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

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@Adyaces

Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.

@theshantilly

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

@MattOswaltVA

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

@CulturedRuffian

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

@pleasantchime

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

@murrman5

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

@Metalligretch

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

@ErrenMichaels

Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?

@Jake_Vig

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.