IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
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I want to write a choose your own adventure book from the POV of a zombie. And all the choices would be like:
Braaains! – Turn to page 23
Braaaaains! – Turn to page 47
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
[buying college textbooks]
That’ll be 100 million dollars
[returning college textbooks]
We can give you half off on this pencil case
Everything is terrible but my son just texted me these beagulls.