Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.

Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest