Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
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A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.