Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
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Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.