Story of my life…..
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Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Meow
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.