Story of my life…..
You Might Also Like
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Guantanamo Bae
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
life lately
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome