Story time
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Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.