Story time
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Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
In case you needed to hear it:
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.