Story time
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When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
The sacred texts.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.