Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

Best misinterpreted text ever!

Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It’s my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

Boom, boom, ching!

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

Who wants to be my Valentine?

“Age is just a number”

…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.

Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.

Waiter: how does the chicken taste?

Me: WITH ITS TONGUE

While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.

Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.

I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.

Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*

Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*