STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
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*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.