The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
You Might Also Like
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Does beer think about me too?
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house