Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
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Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?