Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
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My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”