Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
You Might Also Like
Waiting for the Charmin
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.