Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
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It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory