Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
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Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
How it started: How it’s going:
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.