Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Me: Can I take a peak?

Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?

Me: *steals the top of a mountain*

ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down

VET: that’s illegal

ME: yes I said that

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.

Friend: why?

Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.

Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.

ok like just. call me at this point

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.

SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?

ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?

SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.

ME: *nervously* Oh

*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.