Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
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the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.