Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

me: how did he die?

him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants

me: a parade

him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?

Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.

The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.

If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

My dad: Which highway did you take?

Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer