Straight people are cancelled
You Might Also Like
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.