straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
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Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…
Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.