Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

There is wisdom there.

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

Air conditioners are just human refrigerators

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”