Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”

Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.

[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful