straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana
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My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
mariah carrie
