Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.

Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.

Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

Yup.

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call

Me: I bet it starts with an 8

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula