[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
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Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
This is what makes twitter great
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?