Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.

Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”

ME: “I understand.”

DOCTOR: “Exactly.”

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince

Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.

I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.