[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
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*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Erm I’m gonna say no
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.