[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
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People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I’m pretty like a car crash.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try