Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.

Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.

Or, as I call it, tweeting.

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

what it’s like dating me:

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FRhJTT0XIAApMPh.mp4

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.

“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.

help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

tag yourself

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”