Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

Turns on air conditioner

air conditioner: I have a boyfriend

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

[Movie theater]

*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

Me: Send prudes.

Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?

Me: What? Ew. No.

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.