[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
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Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Just me?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
That’s it.I’m out.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
That’s incredible! 👌
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.