[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
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Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
smh
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.