Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

Dogdamnit, autocarrot.

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.

me: ted is coming over tonight

wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over

me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird

🤣🤣

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

[first date]

her: what did you study in college

me: (wearing ski mask) burgling

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”