Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????

Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

The bad news: I shaved off my beard.

The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.