Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That’s enough internet for the day

I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blood from a horse’s head

Please be the blo…

Nope, just peed the bed again

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today

me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

Every house has this drawer

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.