Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

these two trucks have the same bed length

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.

Gas stations be like:

Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)