Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drilling for oil is well boring.

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

[calculating calories]

Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]

[.0003 seconds later]

This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”

He was like “yeah, but never 3”

me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true

me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true