*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
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You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
