*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
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gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Yes, this is exactly right
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.