Tip for teens:
If you’re buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
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JIM: I’ve got an idea. Let’s call this place “Jimadelphia”
[PHIL is creeping up from behind with a crowbar]
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
“barack please don’t leave me with them”
“joe you’re leaving when I leave”
“oh right lmao love u”
The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
HR writing an email saying I’m a naughty girl is not an acceptable excuse to not take awareness training…
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.