@Marlebean

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

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@SortaBad

Tip for teens:

If you’re buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring

@dubstep4dads

JIM: I’ve got an idea. Let’s call this place “Jimadelphia”

[PHIL is creeping up from behind with a crowbar]

@pauleggleston

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

@goldengateblond

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”

@WORIDSTARHIPH0P

“barack please don’t leave me with them”
“joe you’re leaving when I leave”
“oh right lmao love u”

@miniwheats2012

The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand

@Ilovelamp1979

Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.

@PaperWash

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

@saucy_peaches

HR writing an email saying I’m a naughty girl is not an acceptable excuse to not take awareness training…

Apparently

@OrdinaryAlso

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.