*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

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Tip for teens:

If you’re buying booze with a fake ID, the easiest way to seem legitimately older is to wear a wedding ring


JIM: I’ve got an idea. Let’s call this place “Jimadelphia”

[PHIL is creeping up from behind with a crowbar]


‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’


I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”


“barack please don’t leave me with them”
“joe you’re leaving when I leave”
“oh right lmao love u”


The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand


Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.


me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped


HR writing an email saying I’m a naughty girl is not an acceptable excuse to not take awareness training…



marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.