*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
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*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter