Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This forever.

In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

Pot warmers of the day.

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”

luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.