*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
welp
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus