*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.
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A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
“and how does that make you feel?”
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it