Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

🐥🐣

Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

*controversially pours a glass of milk*

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob