Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.

pictures of spider-man

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

Developer: We have a problem.

Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.

Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door

[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel

me: well, you know, change is inedible

her: i think you mean inevitable

me: *spitting out several nickels* nope

Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium