*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
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Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I am yelling
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.