*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
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Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
The only equipped I am is ill.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Webb. James Webb.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands