Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.

There is no “we” in chocolate.

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

Toxic snake

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

You know I’m something of a chef myself

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.