Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.

My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice

#haiku

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.

Brands during Pride

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

This has made my week.

Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.