Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.

Cannibals don’t drink coffee.

They have a cup of Joe instead.

WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?

ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.