Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

That earthquake could have been an email.

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

ME: *holding door wide open for her*

HER: Are you saying I’m fat?

I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive

Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

Help Wanted

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.