Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does this dress make me look cat?

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

[scene of car accident]

bystander: is your baby ok

me: no he’s a complete jerk

Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*

My husband: why are you taking notes

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Who chose this font

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

I love you…

…r dog.

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”

BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be

ME: I’ll have a dirty martini

BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.