Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.

I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?

Me in super frilly tux: Nope

*Dog walks in also wearing tux*

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense

I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer

friend: no that was long enough

Me when I’m ovulating

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

*15 seconds into makeup application*

I’m bored. This is good enough.