Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???

Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”

Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

When someone trying to leave me

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed