Strange
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Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen