Strange
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man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
concern
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨