Strange
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“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
*watches the world burn*
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.